Ethylene Glycol Poisoning
By Connor Dugan
There once were two competing scientists, one a creationist, and one an atheist. They regularly argued about the origins of life and the age of the earth and universe. Sadly, the creationist had very little evidence other than his beliefs in God, whereas the atheist had many scientific theories and proofs to challenge and contradict the creationist beliefs. One day, the creationist came up with a devious plan to get rid of his competition once and for all. He came running up to the atheist as he was researching protein folding. Lying, he exclaimed to him that God had come to him to tell him that the atheist was right about the universe, that it really is billions of years old, and that God wants him to come up to heaven and be high right hand scientist to work on a new universe. The atheist, as cunning as he is, acted incredibly surprised and excited. He exclaimed, "none before have I believed in a god until you reveal to me that he has indeed brought you to the truth! Let us celebrate before my departure to the great glory of heaven!" They went to the atheist's log cabin. The atheist questioned why the creationist, now having seen God, wouldn't like to come with him on his journey to the heavens. The creationist pondered this question for some time and realized how joyous it would be to walk up to the gates of heaven to watch the atheist get rejected and sent to hell. "You know what," said the creationist, "I think that would actually be a great idea. Let's go there together!" The two scientists go to the atheist's lab where there sits a large container of ethylene glycol. They both drink enough of the sweet, thick nectar to die, and to celebrate the atheist breaks out a bottle of grain ethanol that he distilled for himself. The creationist, however, refuses to drink it because it would be a sin to drink such a high concentration of alcohol and be drunk. The ethylene glycol kills the creationist because he doesn't drink the ethanol. The atheist lives because the ethanol competes with ethylene glycol for alcohol dehydrogenase, the first enzyme in the metabolic degradation pathway, stopping it from producing deadly glycolic acid and oxalic acid. The end.
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| Ethanol sourced via Wikipedia |
Author's note:
In the original story, a king has a painter and carpenter. The painter tells the king that god told him that his father wanted him to send up the carpenter to build a temple by burning him. The carpenter digs a tunnel to escape when the fire is lit, comes back later, and tells the king that the temple was great and that it needs to be painted now and they burn the painter and he doesn't escape and actually thinks that the carpenter burned and came back to life. I really liked the original story, but wanted to make it much more modern and scientific. I also have been seeing a lot of stuff with creation scientists and their work is unacceptable. This story was produced with the motivation of being upset from the persistent and ridiculous "scientific" claims from the creationist movement. With the technology and infinite amount of information at our hands today, thinking that the universe and earth are ~6,000 years old is equal to saying the earth is flat and there is no such thing as an atom. Luckily, we live in a world where the scientific community has incredible power and will not put up with such nonsense. Those who bring forth information to the scientific community without reputable and reproducible evidence of their claims will be laughed at. I am all for philosophy, I am a very philosophical person myself, but keep it away from science. I kept the general theme of god supposedly telling a message and the person who tries tricking the other gets outsmarted by their victim. I also find ethylene glycol poisoning really interesting and wanted to incorporate it.
Bibliography:
Tibetan Folk Tales: The Wise Carpenter by A.L. Shelton
Hi Connor! I freaking love your story! It actually made me laugh and I thought it was very clever and well written! If I remember correctly, you are a Chemical Engineer and I can totally tell from this story!! I loved how you used real science for the atheist to outsmart the creationist with the chemical reactions! You must really know your stuff man!
ReplyDeleteHi Conner! This story is great! It was really funny and ironic. I thought it was funny that the creationist was willing to commit suicide or murder someone, but not dink? Also, wow, if you are a scientist, would he not have realized the trick the atheist was playing. It is really clever that you changed this to relate to things you are interested in, and coming from another science major it was greatly appreciated! Great job and really funny story!
ReplyDeleteIt is actually funny that the logic in this situation goes out the window but it makes perfect sense. What is bad or sinful in the eyes of many creationists is entirely based on context and their personal beliefs. Not all will share the same views. Some might be okay with murder or suicide if it is for the right cause. As for "dinking" that also is entirely context dependent. Their prophet, Jesus Christ, and his followers drank wine, but getting seriously intoxicated is highly frowned upon.
DeleteAlso, it isn't entirely unlikely that a creation scientist would make this mistake. For one, most scientists have specified fields and aren't as familiar with others. And for two, creation scientists are typically really horrible scientists with very very very few and far between published, reviewed, and accredited scientific literature. This mistake wouldn't be their first!
Glad you liked the story :)
Hello Connor! I thought that you did a great job recreating the story of the painter and the carpenter. I enjoyed reading that story myself last week. I am a little confused by the story because the creationist was willing to commit suicide to see the atheist get thrown in hell. My Catholic grandmother always said that suicide was the worst sin, because you could not ask for forgiveness afterward. In my opinion, a character who is concerned about getting drunk because it is a sin would not consider committing suicide. That was the only thing that bugged me about this story. It actually reminded me of that one scene in the Princess Bride where both cups are poisoned but one character had built up a resistance to the poison. Good Job!
ReplyDelete